ego death
what is even happening to me rn??
It’s been a while friends. I feel like I’m a completely different person from who I was the last time we spoke. I’ve never been more irritated (yeah, irritated is the word). We all knew I was anxious to start school for several reasons—feelings of inadequacy, social reasons, financial reasons. But I feel like the further along in the semester I get, I realize that there was absolutely nothing my anxiety could have done to spare or prepare me from the soul-crushing ego death I am currently experiencing. I don’t say this to convince anyone who is reading this to not go to grad school—please, go to school, get all of the letters and accolades behind your name—just know, they’ll make you work for it. Just six months ago, I was at the top of my game, unphased by even the most complex patient I encountered at work, knowledgeable enough to give assistance to colleagues, and speak on behalf of my patients as a peer to the providers. That person is no longer. In her place is a cautious, terrified student, who is constantly wondering if everything I’ve worked for will be snatched from me.
Before we go further into my lamentations, I’ll have you guys know that I confidently ran and won a campaign for 2nd grade student body president and until now, have always been extremely confident in most things that I do. Now, not only am I struggling to find my confidence as a career student, but I question my abilities to be a good daughter, granddaughter, sister, and friend. My phone is in do-not-disturb more than it isn’t, I don’t have the time or means to socialize with anyone outside of my classmates, and it took an act of congress for me to be able to go home for a day and a half.
Of course, before starting school, I was warned that my life as I knew it would be put on hold. As an ambitious, aspiring student, I thought I was okay with that. LOL—what a lie. Life, unfortunately does not stop, more shit just gets piled on. I quickly realized that I need something to tether me to the person I was before starting school because this shit is consuming me. So, despite the Pharmacology test I had this upcoming Monday (I passed thank God), my sister and I made the nearly 8-hour trek from Durham to Charlotte and back to Jacksonville to go to the 30th birthday party of a close friend. Upon my arrival home, I hugged my mom and was subsequently (and immediately) bombarded by bills and mail that completely shat on my carefully laid plans to study before going on my intricately planned Destiny’s Child-level reunion tour. As good students (and bad bitches) do, I made concessions so I could still study for my exam, handle my business, and make it to the party, but I still felt as if I was being stretched thin.
Beyond a shadow of a doubt, graduate school has completely destroyed any notion of who I am and what I thought I knew about myself. I know this molding is in the spirit of making me a confident and competent provider by graduation. However, the line between Alysha the person and the Alysha the student is blurring. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that my success in school is not tied to my worth as a person; and not that I’ve ever particularly resonated with that sentiment, but this go round, failure feels catastrophic. I’m not sure if it’s because this is a terminal degree, or that I’m not 21 anymore, or if I’m not sure what the hell else I would do with my life. But what I do know for sure is that I have a team of people around me who love me, and think the world of me, and care for me. Seeing all of my friends from undergrad this weekend, seeing my parents for the first time in a while, being able to bond with my sister for a week—all of these things remind me that Alysha the person is okay and Alysha the student will learn to be okay as well.
Anyways, this has been a huge learning curve. But-- I’m learning to cope with the challenges that accompany each day, my skin is clear, I’m remembering to eat at least 1.5 meals a day, and I was able to dye the blond out of my hair, so I guess you could say things are looking up for me. I’m looking forward to seeing who I’ll be at the end of the semester, I’m really looking forward to seeing who I’ll be at graduation, and I’m really really looking forward to remembering who I am outside of this program.
Hug your loved ones, be safe in the storm, and get a flu shot this season! xx
